Dear Dad

I just want to premise this by acknowledging that I am writing this out of anger and hurt. I may not even post this, I don’t know yet, but I can’t keep it within any longer.

Thank you for telling me and my brother that you never really wanted kids in the first place. That felt amazing when you said it.

Thanks for kicking me to the kerb once we got kicked out of our flat. I moved in with you when you & mum separated. I stood by you. I lived with you. And you describe those years as horrible, how much you hated them. I’m sorry you found them so horrific. But thanks for telling me that I would have to find somewhere to live because you were going to go live with your parents. Thanks for that.

Thanks for taking care of Karis. I wasn’t there for her much either, and I’ll always feel an immense guilt for that, but I watched you ignore her calls when she called you in crisis.

Thanks for letting me and Nathan know that once a week is enough. Seeing us anymore than that would obviously be too much for you.

Thanks for taking us to the cinema every week on the one day you spend with us, with doesn’t really count much for spending time with us anyway.

Thanks for saying I never did anything for you when all I’ve ever done is defend you since I was 16 years old. All I’ve ever done is speak highly of you. Like I’ve never been there for you. I gave up my childhood to be there for you when you and mum separated. Living with you basically meant growing up and taking care of myself because you weren’t home most of the time. But I chose you over the comforts of living at my home, my childhood home with all my things and my brother. I chose to be with you because you needed someone. When you started your new job recently who called you practically every day to make sure you were okay? Because I’m pretty sure it was me. But no, you never get anything back from me.

Thanks for making me the middle man between you and mum. It’s funny how you go on about having to force yourself to do things that make you anxious but you’ve never forced yourself to communicate with our mother. No. I was the piggy in the middle. You say you don’t know what’s happening in Nathans life because you aren’t told but you never act interested or communicate with her. Instead, I have to relay everything. I have to ask if Nathans free to do such and such.

Thanks for dismissing my feelings simply because I’m “not a child anymore”. I still feel. I still have an opinion. And whilst I’m not a child, a lot of what I said was about your son too and he is a child. You say you barely get anything back from us? But you don’t put in the effort with us, so why should we with you? I make an effort to be present in my siblings lives because Karis’ death had that affect on me. Surely you’d think it would have had some kind of effect on you too. But no. You’re less present than ever. If we died tomorrow you probably wouldn’t even know.

Thanks for choosing your girlfriend over us constantly at every turn. Several things she has said have been damaging to both me and Nathan but you still always side with her.

Thanks for not even reading or acknowledging what I’ve said. Thanks for making it out as though I’m being selfish for wanting more of you in our lives and voicing how I feel.

Thanks for everything.