Hi Karis
As I write this I’m sitting on a bench at the front of the cemetery. I’m waiting for my best friend, Zoe. She’s probably the only reason why I felt strong enough to do this today. I say “strong enough” very loosely because I can already feel the tears beginning to well in my eyes. I got here early, sort of intentionally, I didn’t want to rush Zoe but I didn’t want to sit around at home waiting. As a matter of fact I was grasping for an excuse or reason not to come at all. I can’t remember the last time I came to see you. I know every time mum comes here I feel a massive sense of guilt that I don’t ever seem to go. I don’t know. Thinking about it I’m not really sure why people do this in the first place. Maybe it’s that massive sense of guilt that brings people to cemeteries. The idea that if they don’t go and visit their dead loved one that their dead loved one is forgotten. It’s such bullshit isn’t it really? I don’t ever forget you, despite the fact I rarely visit. If I stopped coming to entirely then it wouldn’t mean that I’ve forgotten you. I remember you every day. Regardless, I’m here, aren’t I? To attempt to wave away my sense of guilt which will, in hindsight, actually never go away. Because I’m still guilty. Guilty of not doing better when you were alive. Guilty of still not doing better, even now. I fail Lily and Nathan constantly.
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Luckily for me that was written a few days ago now and Zoe interrupted at the moment that I stopped. She turned up and we found you in the cemetery. It was actually … nice? I don’t know a better word to describe it other than that. What I mean to say is I guess it made me feel better. Better than I expected it to. I’m not religious, I don’t believe you’re listening when I talk or write to you but me and Zoe spoke to you. And it was… nice. I’m glad I went with Zoe, because she understands my openness and my morbidness I suppose. She isn’t horrified when I make jokes about your death. It’s hilarious sometimes when I mention your death to people in such an abrupt way and people are horrified. Honestly, I think it’d make you giggle a bit. I’m just upfront about it. I don’t want to dawdle about it. I don’t want to hear “I’m sorry for your loss” because honestly it feels empty. They didn’t know you so.. Anyway.. now? It’s the 24th of September as I write this and it’s the anniversary of your death. It is, however, also almost 8pm and I made it throughout the day. I distracted myself obviously, but I made it. A glass or two of wine has also helped. I didn’t want to miss today without speaking to you though. And even though I’ve been distracting myself, I still thought of you and I still miss you.
I love you Karis.
I’m sorry, I’m still sorry every single day and I love you.
jadziaedmb 